Struggling

There are so many wonderful things going on around me right now. We are about to put on a wonderful event this weekend to help raise money for the UVA Breast Care Center. The race that is associated with the event is the following weekend and is just an amazing event (if you are interested, here's a link www.dominiondigital.com/womens4miler/). Troy and Will have just been wonderful and adorable and loveable. Jay has been a huge help and support. Things are just going well, but yet, I am struggling. I think I have surrounded myself with "busy-ness". I have thrown myself into the planning and training so I can simply keep my mind occupied. Once I settle in, I start thinking and that isn't a great thing right now. The next month will continue like this as well because in just 1 month from today, it's the anniversary of my Dad's death. It will be three years and in some ways it's a bit easier because we talk more about the happy times and seeing how much Will is like him, we laugh a lot more. But this is always a tough time because I start thinking more about how it was that last month, those last weeks....and I have a harder time laughing and smiling. It was rough. I cannot lie. It was so hard to be around him and watch him in misery from the chemo and then from the kidney failure, but I couldn't be away either because I knew there wasn't much time. I treasure all the time I spent with him, but knew he was in so much pain, discomfort and misery that he couldn't truly enjoy us and that is hard for me. I just hope he knows that as hard as it was to watch him suffer, I am glad that we were there, even when he didn't seem to realize it. I miss him so much it hurts