The past few days...

Well, the past few days have been interesting, challenging, sad, .....so many things. My emotions have been all over the place and I have to say that I am exhausted because of all of it. To begin with, I blogged back in the Spring about life being unfair http://mysahlife.blogspot.com/2010/05/this-is-so-unfair.html.
Here is the update. On Friday, November 12, he passed away :( They stopped treatment since chemo was showing no signs of affecting the cancer and he passed away surrounded by his very large family and a lot of love. We went up to NY for the funeral and although I cannot say that I knew him very well and had only been around him a few times, I got to know him through Jay. so I, too, was very saddened by all this. Also, having gone through this with MY father a few years ago, I could really understand how everyone was feeling. After leaving the funeral and spending time looking at pictures and talking to family, the loss of this man is devastating to so many. Not just his family, but all of those people he helped that had no one else. He truly was a great man. It was hard on so many levels too. He was such an extraordinary man, he was a veteran (military funerals are very tough on all), and I had to try to explain to Troy what to expect at Family Night. I think I did okay and gave him the option to go up to the casket or not. He chose to go and handled it very well, but I was really worried for him.
Since we went to NY, we got a chance to visit with Jay's family--2 sisters, his brother in law, 2 nieces, his mom and his very close friends and their children. Despite the circumstances, we had a wonderful visit and enjoyed the time seeing family we normally only see once a year. Having Troy being more outgoing helped as well because he truly had fun from the time he got there until we left rather than having to warm up to everyone. It was exhausting to watch the kids though--their energy levels never cease to amaze me. And to top it off, we were in a hotel room--1 room, 2 beds and we had never done this before. We had slept in the same room, however, the boys went to bed first and we came in later. This time, we were all together and the boys did wonderfully. It meant earlier bedtimes for us, but that was okay since we were all worn out anyway. I have to say the boys did really well on the trip overall--the drive, the hotel room, the going here and there and everywhere, being around people they don't see often....They really surprised me. The best part for the boys though--Uncle Brian (or Uncle Silly) is a firefighter and took them on a tour of THE nicest fire station I have ever seen. Of course, I forgot my camera, but luckily my sister in law took plenty (that I hope she will share with me) so pics to come later. Troy and Will were in awe of all the trucks and equipment and loved every minute of it. HUGE thanks to Uncle Silly for that one--you now have favorite Uncle status!
As for Troy and his being not so nice to me....well, that is over for now. He stopped saying hurtful things and I even got the "You are the greatest mommy!" again! I knew it would change, but for some reason, just was so hard for me the past couple of weeks. I think I am over it and so is he....for now anyway ;)

And it continues...

So yesterday, I got the "I just like daddy better than you." Today, it continues and is worse. I really don't know why Troy is saying these things. I know that anyone I talk to will say one of a few things:
1) Don't take it personal.
2) He didn't really mean it.
3) Aww. He loves you too though.
But my replies:
1) I can't help but take it personal. He's saying what he feels. We always talk about how refreshingly honest children can be.
2) Yes, he did mean it. He gets tired of me by the end of the week and it shows every week. Not normally like this, but it shows. Then he gets his day with Granny and it's all good. This week, he's not getting a day (Granny's on a much needed vacation to the beach) and so he does want to get away from me.
3) I know he loves me, but he just doesn't like me very much lately.

Now, what did he say today, you wonder? "Mommy, I wish Daddy stayed at home and you worked. I just like him better." Yep, he got one cheek yesterday and I turned it and sure enough, he slapped the other one today. Hopefully, since it's Friday, he'll get out of this funk and Jay is taking off Monday (most likely to hunt a lot, but he has to hang with Troy in the AM since Will has his 2 year check up) so he'll get some time away from me. I am just hoping that next week, his attitude changes towards me a little. I miss my loveable, huggable almost 5 year old.

A Slap in the Face

I knew this day would come and I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. I have even had a good friend tell me about her experiences and I knew it wasn't isolated to just her, but it really did nothing to help me when my time came. Today, Troy basically told me that he liked Daddy better than me. It may sound silly and you may even laugh and think that I am joking, but it really felt like a slap in the face to actually hear the words. I already knew that he loved spending time with Daddy, and I know that he misses Jay while he's at work. I think what bothered me is that he's been so different this week. With everyone else lately, he's fine. When it's just me, he's moody, defiant, whiny, easily frustrated...This isn't normally like him at all. This afternoon, he didn't nap, but chose to play in his room. He came out and was miserable. Whining, complaining, weepy...so I told him to go back to his room until he could come out with a better attitude. He lost it. Threw a temper tantrum like he did back when he was 2 1/2. I had to carry him to the room and he cried for almost 20 minutes. I was shocked but he finally came out and talked to me and that's when he told me that he was being mean to me this week because he just liked Daddy more. Was he telling the truth? Don't know. I do know that people have told me that children act differently for their parents, but this is totally different lately and it's a sudden change. I just hope he's not getting sick :( I know he's tired because he won't let himself rest the way he needs to, but how can I change that? I do everything I can to help him rest and he just doesn't. So it's seems like his sleeping habits are causing issues, but I can't seem to fix it. I am a fixer so it's driving.me.nuts.

Sometimes words aren't needed

But I use them anyway! Looking through my pictures, I found one that I just love and wanted to share. The way that Will was looking at Troy just melted me. Complete adoration and fascination ♥. This was taken in March of 2009

A letter to my metabolism

Dear Metabolism,
You suck. You really suck. Just wanted to tell you that. I know I am 37 years old and I shouldn't expect that much from you, but you've been doing this to me for years. I have tried to be patient, I have tried to be nice, but I am done. I am doing everything I can to speed you up, however you are persistent that you would rather move at a snail's pace and frankly, I think that it's really not cool. Five weeks ago, I made a huge change in my diet. I have cut tons of calories, especially ones from sugar. I have been working out like crazy 5-6 days a week. I am doing cross training and changing it up weekly and I KNOW I have gained muscle. I can tell. What have you done for me? Um, let's think. Oh yeah, I have lost 1 pound. 1 pound in 5 weeks of working my tail off and eating less. What do you want from me anyway? I know that I have lost weight before, however, I was MISERABLE. I was eating right at 1000 calories a day, working out 1 hour a day sometimes 2 and was in pure misery! I am not asking to eat 2500+, but could I eat 1500 at least so I am not starving all day. I made it through the Halloween season and have had candy 2 days--and only a small amount. I am drinking maybe 4 sodas a week (down from 7-10 if I must be totally honest), I haven't touched alcohol in 5 weeks, and I am getting up consistently to work out. Do you think you could help me out a bit and speed up? I am not asking for much, but snail's pace isn't working for me.

Sincerely,
Someone really sick of her weight.

To my Almost 2 year old....

Right before we left the hospital (we did tighten your straps so don't worry

Just a picture of you that I loved. You were staring at me and just "talking away"
My favorite picture of you and your big brother at EasterYour 1st birthday. Poor thing. You were so not feeling well :(
And this is the latest of you

To my dearest almost 2 year old,
I apologize for not doing this on your birthday, but I didn't know if I would get the chance, so better early than late, I always say. What can I say to you on as you get ready to turn 2? I simply cannot believe it has been almost 2 years! Everyone tells you before you become a parent that the time will fly, but I didn't believe them. But it is so true. When I look back at the pictures of you as a newborn, I feel like it was just yesterday. I have to be honest. The first 6 weeks didn't seem to go by fast since you had some issues with colic, but now that I look back, it really wasn't that long. You definitely have kept us on your toes little one! Everything Troy did/liked, you did the opposite, so it has been a learning experience but a wonderful experience of course. It's been so much fun watching you learn, discover, explore, try to keep up with your big brother, and develop your own personality! You, my dear, are the comedien of the family. I cannot wait to see what you do or say next because you certainly make us laugh and shake our heads at what you come up with. We have said it plenty--you are Pop Pop. You look like him and Lord knows you act like him so I know that the future will be interesting. Full of fun, mischief and love! We love you little buddy and hope you have a wonderful 2nd birthday!

When did the tornado hit?

This morning I was super busy. I worked out, started laundry, went grocery shopping, got dinner started in the crockpot, helped Will with fingerpainting, cleaned that up, got him changed....I was on the move from the moment I got up and really felt when I sat down at 10:00 AM (yes, I did all that before 10) that I had accomplished something. Then I looked around and wondered when the tornado came through my house? It truly looked like I had sat there doing nothing while someone just ransacked the house. There were cars, trucks, clothes, balls, paper....you name it....thrown all over the place. How does this happen? When I went to bed, I had straightened up most everything. The boys were only playing (and I kid you not) for 15 minutes! The rest of the time, they were at the table or getting ready for school???? How do kids do this? If it's the kitchen, then the mess is ALL me and I will admit it, but this was the living room and toy room. My boys shouldn't have been named Troy and Will, but Tornado and Hurricane.