Friday, April 16, 2010


You know how most people do their thinking in the bathroom, well, most of mine comes while mowing the lawn. It seems like every time I throw on the music (under the ear protection--go figure) and get on that mower, I start to reflect. Today was no different, except for the fact that for the first time, I am sharing what I was thinking.
First, let me say that I have had some major anger issues since my dad got sick that worsened, as you can imagine, after he passed. I have had a hard time dealing with that and counseling helped a bit, but not completely. I am good at hiding my anger sometimes, but other times, not so much. I was angry that he got sick after FINALLY starting to take care of himself. He had quit smoking 7 years ago after a heart attack but always had weight issues but he was finally at the gym and losing weight. Then the diagnosis of lung cancer hit. I was angry at him because he was a heavy smoker for so many years. I was angry at God for taking him away from his very young grandchildren. I was angry at his doctor because they put him on such a strong dosage of chemo that it made his kidneys stop working. I was angry.....period. So with that being said, I have had this chip on my shoulder and this "Woe is me" attitude. I try to get past it, but it's been a huge weight on me, my attitude and my relationships.
Today, I was thinking about a couple things I have heard lately that are happening to my friends and how hard things must be for them and their family. Then I start thinking about just how lucky I truly am. Although my father passed away way too early, I still had a wonderful father for many years. One who supported me and loved me and was a huge part of my life. My husband lost his father at age 4 and never had this so rather than dwell on his sickness and death, I need to dwell more on the years we had. I have a fantastic relationship with my mother and sister--both who are awesome by the way. We are very close and supportive of each other and while we disagree and aggravate each other at times, the relationship is solid. I have a wonderful husband and children who love me even when I am having a rough time dealing with the anger (just to clarify, I do not physically or verbally abuse--I am just grumpy and unpleasant). I have fantabulous friends that listen to me and keep me entertained. And something that is very important to me--I have a wonderful relationship with my husband's family. My only complaint--we are all just too far apart.
Am I finally healing from losing my father--someone VERY important to me? I don't know. I do know that it is unfortunate that sometimes it takes hearing the misfortunes of others to realize how wonderful my life truly is. I had a similar epiphany when student teaching way back when. I had a student that all the teachers despised. He was such a challenge but for some reason I liked him and we got along. Unfortunately, Charlie was a child who had been through way too much--by age 14, he had been molested by two different family members, neglected by his parents, been in drug rehab and pretty much failed everything--he was only promoted to the next grade for social reasons. I remember after learning this, I sat down and wrote a thank you letter to my parents. This is pretty much why I wrote this down. When I am having one of those days, I just need to sit down and go back over the blessings in my life and remember just how easy I have had it along the way. Plus I'm sharing it because I want all of you who are an important part of my life to know that I adore you and I am sorry for the negative attitude and anger I have had for so many years. Will I be angry and negative again? Probably. But all I can do is try, right?

1 comment:

  1. I do my best thinking while mowing, too.

    Thanks very much for being brave and generous in sharing something so personal. So many people have a problem revealing their personal challenges and shortcomings.

    I'm sorry for the loss of your father - and so very thankful for the years that you had him.

    This post is a great reminder to count our blessings - something I need to do...right now!!