Sunday, October 30, 2011

What I Have Learned....

So some people have asked how things are going since my surgery and overall things are good. I still have a LOOONNNGGGG way to go, but for the most part, I cannot shouldn't complain.. Things are healing, the catheter is out, however I still have lots of limitations which is the hardest part. I am mentally more than ready to get back into a normal routine, but at the same time, I totally understand the limitations. Physically, my body isn't ready for the routine and lets me know when I have overdone it so it's not like I can do and do like before. My body screams at me until I finally nap or at least rest a bit. The leg? Well, still numb, but my strength is improving so no more cane or walker and I can *almost* walk up steps normally. Going down steps is a whole different story, BUT I am making progress.
So here's a few things I have learned over the past few weeks:
* Jay actually makes a pretty good stay at home dad. Yes, he was ready to get back to work, but he handled it better than I thought (not that he had a choice, but still)
* I am very glad that I was addicted for exercise because I don't know how I would have recovered as quickly as I did without being in decent shape. I really think the leg would be causing more issues and I would most likely still have the cane
* I am going to have to do lots more online shopping than actually attempting to take my slow self into stores
* Although I feel like a loner sometimes, I am a lot more social than I ever realized. 2 weeks of being home bound was tough!
* I am a beast to be around when I am sick/hurt/stuck at home--absolute miserable person to be around. Sorry to those who took the brunt of the mood
* Wearing heels and a weak leg are NOT a good mix. Must.stick.with.sneakers (now I have a great excuse for wearing sweats/athletic clothes all the time)
* I hate asking for help and it didn't get easier. AT ALL
* I have major control issues

and lastly and most importantly:
*Although this situation has been a challenge for me, I am so blessed to have had so many people showing support and helping my family in so many ways. I received so many calls and cards, had dinners made and groceries brought to us, magazines and books given to definitely made life easier. I am in awe and the number of people who have helped! So a huge thank you to everyone!

Halloween Fun!

The boys were really looking forward to Halloween this year--more than they ever have. Luckily, it wasn't for the candy like other kids I have seen, but for the pumpkins. Troy actually threw a tantrum because we wouldn't carve pumpkins Thursday night at 7:00 even though we promised we would do it Saturday. It just wasn't soon enough for him. Fortunately, he got to go to a pumpkin patch for a field trip and pick out a small pumpkin which he carved with some help from my sister's in-laws Friday afternoon. That held him over for the big event on Saturday so thankfully, no more tantrums. He was very proud of himself because he got to do almost the entire carving--all by himself! I wasn't entirely sure about handing a sharp knife over to an almost 6 year old, but Jay was okay with it. Luckily, no injuries ensued and he did a pretty good job I think! Will told me what he wanted to do, so I tried my best.
 Showing off their pumpkins
 Getting them good and cleaned out

 Very happy boy with a very sharp knife YIKES
 But he did well (WHEW)
 The Final Products

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Show and Tell!

Mainly because I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to share some pictures!
 Will loves loves loves his books and will set and read like a big boy! Love it!

 Boys first Football game. Troy's exhausted which is why we never go LOL

 They really love their Tae Kwon Do. They take it very seriously :)

Will hated this toy as a baby. As an almost 3 year old, he loved it!

Friday, October 21, 2011

PITY?? Party of 1? Pity?! Party of 1....Your table is ready

Although I knew going into my appt today with the urologist that I most likely would not get the catheter removed, there was that tiny little part of me that was hopeful. I was at least hoping to get these horrendous staples removed, but nope, neither happened. So begins the pity party for myself. All the frustrations finally hit me today. I have been trying so hard to put on a "Everything is fine. I am doing fantabulous and this is nothing" face when inside, I have been going insane. I hate sitting at home. I hate not being able to play with my kids. I hate not being able to take care of my kids. I hate people having to wait on me at home--and in such horrendous ways too. "Jay, could you put my socks on? Troy, could you pick up that piece of paper right at my foot" It sounds so dang lazy when in reality, I JUST CAN'T DO IT. UGH. I hate that I can't go places because I am so embarrassed by the cath bag. (Yes, I know most people probably don't care, yet I see how people keep checking it out. I am a private person and I don't like that people get to watch me pee). It's so frustrating going from one extreme to another. In my head, I know that this is just a bump in the road. I know that 5 days (or longer depending on my healing) is not that long to wait for the catheter to come out. I know that people don't mind helping (that's debatable but who's going to admit that). I know that my boys will be okay and understand better than I think they do. However, hearing today from Troy "I wish I had a new mommy" and getting the dreaded "I hate you Mommy" from Will didn't help the mood any. I know they don't mean it, but it shows me that me being a bump on a log is no fun for them either. Everyone close to me is affected by this as well and that's what is so hard. Jay has been off work for 9 days now and at least 3 more--and he's a workaholic. Mom has been changing all her plans to be available to me--giving up things that she enjoys. My sister is changing her schedule and going out of her way to help make things easier for Jay. People are taking time out of busy schedules to cook and shop for us. Yes, it's all wonderful and believe me, I know how wonderful I have it with so many people available to help me. I am blessed beyond belief. I just wish I could get back to normalcy (or the new normal as my sister tells me since who knows what will happen with this leg) and let everyone else do so as well.
Okay, needed to get that off my chest. Thank you to all who came to my pity party. It's over now. Back to the "Life is great and this is totally manageable" attitude

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Words every mother wants to hear

I love you? Mama? Dada? Are these the words that every mother wants to hear? Of course! These words mean so much. The minute your child begins to talk, it's amazing. You start obsessing and trying to get them to say everything! "I love you" is something you cannot wait to hear from your boyfriend or girlfriend and especially your child. It can mean so much and bring tears to your eyes when you finally hear it. Nothing is cuter than hearing that little voice say "Wub you" ♥ Yes, there are so many words that have such a special meaning to a mother. Today, I heard words that I truly thought I would never hear and I about fell out in the floor (which would have been a disaster with a catheter, I might add). I almost asked them to be repeated over and over because I thought they would never be said:
"I don't do enough around here. There's stuff ALL.DAY.LONG"
Halleluia! Can I get an AMEN!

Yes, throughout this ordeal with surgery gone awry, Mr. Mom has finally realized what all is involved with being a stay at home parent. He's always thanked me for all I do, but truly had NO idea until being a SAHD for almost a week. I admit, I was actually afraid it would backfire and Jay would be saying "This isn't so hard so why are you so tired" or "Why can't you do it all?" but luckily, that is not the case and those words were beautiful, soooooo very beautiful. It almost makes all this pain, suffering worthwhile. Well, not really, but still, good to hear!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

My Life the past few days

Things sure have gotten interesting. I didn't mention anything here because I just didn't feel like it so let me back up. Back in the Spring I began having "issues" so finally in June, I saw my OB and he diagnosed me with Adenomyosis and although there were options. I didn't really like them. Me and birth control pills do not get along and I didn't want to be on them for years. I had no desire to get an IUD--plus it would only help a couple of the symptoms and I didn't want to just wait it out until menopause soooooo DH and I talked and after meeting with the OB again, I opted to have a partial hysterectomy. Why? 1) We were done having children anyway. 2) I am in the best shape I have been in and so I thought that I would recovery quickly from surgery. 3) I was tired of the symptoms I was having and didn't really want to wait any longer. So surgery was Oct. 12. I knew there were the potential for complications but was very optimistic. Once again my body betrayed me. I went in at 8:30 AM for what should have been an hour to hour and a half surgery. I woke up at 2:30 in recovery and found out that they had just gotten finished. If you don't want to hear the TMI details, stop reading...........
Okay, I gave you a chance so if you are still reading don't say I didn't warn you. What they found was that I had so much scar tissue from my 2 CSections that my uterus was adhered to my bladder so when they tried to get the uterus out, you can imagine what happened to my bladder. Yeppers. Bladder was damaged so down comes a urologist to repair it but because of all the scar tissue, he had to take care of that before repair so after they told Jay it would be 30 min more, 2 hours later, he's getting a little freaked. So now all surgery is done and I have no uterus, a repaired bladder, a drain coming from my abdomen, a catheter in place for up to 2 weeks and a long road of recovery. On top of that, now I have staples going from my belly button down to my Csection scar. Lovely. Good thing is, I don't wear bikinis or anything that shows my belly ever. I actually came out of surgery looking about 5 months preggo. I finally get up the next day and realize that that weird feeling I had in my legs, particularly the right leg was actually stress on the femoral nerve. My leg is numb from my hip down to midcalf--on the inside of the leg. Add a walker to the list of the things I am taking home. They did a CT just to make sure there was no injury or blood clots and that all came back great however they found that I have kidney stones. Yay. The good thing is, I have this lovely catheter so I have the chance to catch the stones so the urologist can analyze them to find out why I have gotten them so many times. Gotta look at the positive side. To recap, I have lots of appointments over the next few weeks with a urologist, neurologist, OGBYN, and physical therapist.
Now, I am at my mom's because she has a one story house and a great driveway for me to walk and the bonus.....NO STAIRS!! That could be a challenge since I can't lift my leg very well and have little strength. So a week ago today, I was able to run 4+ miles, was circuit training like crazy and I hiked 8 miles on Old Rag and had very little problems. Today, I am at my mom's wearing her night gowns (thanks to the catheter, nothing else is comfortable), walking around her driveway with a walker and slippers since I can't bend or put on my own shoes (or pants or socks....) at the pace of 1 mph as Troy has decided (and he's right), unable to drive and most importantly, care for my own children. Thank God Jay has been able to take off and help and take on the role of Mr. Mom. Thank God, my mom is willing and able to help me and thank God, we have good friends and family that are willing to come bring meals or just visit to help keep my mood up. As you can imagine, I have been feeling those not so great emotions--sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, basically a pathetic human being and having lots of pity parties for myself. For those that know me, I have major control issues and this is a HUGE challenge to have to ask for help and even harder yet, knowing I NEED help. BUT I am going to do only what I should be able and not push it because there's no way I am keeping this catheter in for any longer than I have to. I hate this thing with a passion and am counting down the days. Unfortunately, time passes slowly when all you can do is read, watch TV, nap and take very short walks. Sound like heaven to some of you? Let me remind you I have 2 boys BEGGING to sit in my lap and they can't. Begging me to come home, to play with them, to give them attention and I can't. Yeah, understand now why I am feeling so low? I am trying to stay positive, but I will not lie that this is very hard for me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Simply beautiful

When I was a child, I despised my hometown. It was too country, too rural, and way too boring. I swore that when I was able, I was leaving to only come back to visit every once in a while. It wasn't the people at all, it's just that I wanted activity. I loved the idea of something new to do all the time, concerts, museums, sporting events, just more activity period. The idea of a big city appealed to me a great deal. I did make it to live in larger cities and while there were more options, I found that it was too expensive. So I found every opportunity to attend free or very low cost options and really enjoyed it. I made a lot of great friends, met my now husband so that's a plus and got to experience city life. Unfortunately, I quickly found out that I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought because there was down sides to each city. One had a huge gang problem so I was going to bed listening to fighting or gunshots often. Another, the houses were on top of each other and it was so frustrating because you could hear every noise. Another area I lived in, the first night I was there, there was a domestic violence issue in the apartment above me. And the goodness was there lots of traffic! When Jay and I came to a point where he was looking for a job change, we both had the same idea. Let's move back to my hometown--something I swore I would never consider. And I don't regret the decision at all. It hasn't changed much, but as I have gotten older, I certainly enjoy the quiet a lot more! Plus, just look at what I get to see on a daily basis

Friday, October 7, 2011

My Identity???

When people find out you are pregnant, they always tell you about how life is going to change--the lack of sleep, your body is different, your relationship is different, financial issues, you'll know a greater love and so on. You expect it, you welcome it and you eventually get used to it. What they don't tell you is that you totally lose your identity. Not in a bad way really, but I have been known by many names--Val, Vally, Sis, Lil Sis, Jackie's sister, Speedy, Jitterbug (don't ask), and then you become Mom, Mommy, Mother (or as Will says Mudder). No big deal. There are TONS of worse things to be called (and I am sure I have been called them just not to my face and especially by my former students). But now, we are finding out that you are no longer you. You are known as Troy's or Will's mom. My good friend's daughter will say "Hey Troy Mommy", other children will say "Hey, I know you. You are Will's mommy". And it's not just me, it's Jay too. I am the errand runner in the family so people know me in the usual places but Jay went the other day to the bank and the teller says "Hey! You're Will's dad!" and proceeded to point him out to the other teller's. Apparently our little one is quite the hit at the bank so it was almost like Jay was a celebrity. I know why they remember Will though. Let's just say, people notice Will WHEREVER we go as he's quite the entertainer. So yes, there are a lot of changes that happen when you become a parent, but now it's official, I no longer need to use my name. I can just refer to myself as Troy or Will's Mommy and it's all good.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Note to Self

I have been having a problem with the boys. Part of me wants to just ignore it, the other part of me wants to stop it now. I just am at a loss because it's not horrendous, but it's rude and annoying. They love to just say words just to get a rise out of me. Like I said, nothing bad, but it could definitely be rude in certain places. Here's there list:
Booty, poo poo, poo poo head, booty head, poopy head, booty get the picture. Like I said, nothing bad, but hearing my 2 year old singing loudly at Troy's school "Old McDonald had a POO POO" or at the drug store, "Mommy, check out my BOOTY BUTT" (Yes, he's yelling it) or just saying POOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOO over and over and so on, it's a little LOT annoying. Yes, I know it could be much worse so that's why I have said that there's a part of me that wants to ignore it, however the more I ignore the louder they get and the more often they do it--and it's 90% of the time with just me around. NO NO NO they won't do this with Daddy or even Granny (so she says), but who do they spend most of their time with? Plus they are getting their friends/cousins to say it and then they are getting in trouble. So you see, just a small annoying problem. Now, I have tried many different things to no avail--time outs, soap (call me old school), taking toys away, ignoring, sending them to their room....and nothing is changing the behavior.
Now that you have the background, let me say one thing for certain. The minute they hear any of these words on TV, in music, in conversation....they pick up on it immediately. Sooooooo, playing certain songs are not a good idea. NOTE TO SELF--playing the following song around Will (thank you Jon for the 1991 songs CDs by the way) is a really bad idea:

You can just imagine the parts that Will picked up on.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Lazy or Smart???

When Troy was younger, I made sure he did things on his own. Some we taught him, others he figured out on his own BUT he was fairly independent as a toddler. I remember being somewhere and a man stepped in to try to help Troy with his jacket (because apparently I was totally ignoring him) and Troy said, "No thanks, I can do it" and the man was amazed because Troy was maybe 3. This was one of those things Troy was determined to do alone and he learned quickly. Now, fast forward to Will. The problem we are facing now is that we always seem to be in a rush to get here or there so I am always doing everything for him--getting him dressed, putting on his shoes and socks, helping him with his jacket....Now that I try to get him to do stuff, he has no clue how. Or does he? Does he not know? Is he lazy? Or is he so smart that he knows I will do it for him? Hmmmmmmmm. I just don't know. I am definitely trying to make er, help him become more independent but he's very resistant. So is this a 2nd child thing or is it something that we have created? I doubt we'll ever know the answer since we still rush here there and everywhere, but I know that I need to focus more on helping teach him how to do things on his own. However, watching him try sometimes is painful since he really does seem to not have a clue. I will swear though that the little bugger is smart enough to know how to act clueless and incapable when he's probably thinking "I have these people wrapped around my little finger and they will do ANYTHING for me". And the sad thing is, he's right. Sigh. Definitely a baby of the family trait. Not that I would have ever done anything like that.......