Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Can Feel It Happening

I have mentioned this MANY times but I feel inclined to talk about it again. The anniversary of my dad's passing is coming up :( This year, I swore things would be different. I was NOT going to get angry. I was NOT going to get sad. I was going to laugh and remember good things. I was going to take the boys and my mom to the beach so we wouldn't sit around and mope. I was finally going to handle the anniversary of his death the way that he would rather me do it. However, I can feel it happening all over again. I feel the anger and frustration building inside me. I remember all to well going to the hospital, seeing him those final days and I get angry. Sad is more like it, but unfortunately to all around me, I handle sadness by getting angry, having the patience of a gnat, and being generally unpleasant to be around. I don't cry much around others, so when I start to feel sad, I snap instead. It drives me nuts, yet I feel like I have no control over it. I know I need to change it because I can see a change in Troy this week. I was telling Mom how Troy's had a rough week and I didn't understand why. I get it now. The more frustrated and angry I feel, the more he feeds off me and we just are not a good match :( I am getting away Saturday for a much needed night with friends and I am hoping it helps. I am still taking the boys to the beach and Mom and a couple friends are coming and I am hoping that rather than being sad and moping, we can laugh and reminisce about the fun things. To anyone who I come in contact with however--I apologize in advance if I seem a tad snippy. I am trying, I really am.

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