Monday, December 6, 2010

Embracing imperfections

** Before I even start, this is NOT a post to get compliments and be told that I am thin or look great--that is NEVER why I write these**

How do you do this? If anyone has the secret, please let me in on it. I had a friend once tell me to just look in the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful/beautiful you are. I had to laugh because all I could think about was the SNL skit with Michael Jordan doing that and him cracking up. That would be my reaction too. I wish it were easier to be happy with how I look, but no matter what I do, I am not. I may never be since I don't recall ever being thrilled with my appearance, so how do you just embrace yourself and the imperfections?
I started my journey to better health over 2 months ago and I said it wasn't truly about weight loss, but I lied. I tried to convince myself that I would be happy just taking better care of myself and feeling stronger, but I am not. I really thought that along with changing my diet and beginning an exercise program, the weight would drop off. I wasn't expecting much, but I was expecting some loss. It's been over 2 months and I have had only 2 days I cheated a tad (and I mean a very tad) and 1 day I went nuts, but that's it. I still have lost only a couple pounds total. I know my metabolism is very slow and weight training *should* (key word there) help, but it's not. Yes, I have built a lot of muscle, but it's still under all the fat. Here's the problem (and this is where I really need to come to terms)--there are 3 main body types (check here for full info:
1) Ectomorph--naturally thin/lean, not muscular and have a harder time building strength
2) Endomorph--naturally carries more body fat and a low metabolish--think soft and round
3) Mesomorph--naturally able to build muscle easily, athletic, defined

and I am a endomorph mixed with a mesomorph and I need to realize that I will NEVER be long and lean. I will never be skinny. I wasn't even as a youngster--I was smaller, but never skinny. I have always held fat--especially in my abdomen and I build muscle VERY easily, yet I don't lose the fat so you don't see definition. I remember back in high school (I think it was freshman year), I had spent the summer babysitting 2 children and they had a pool so I swam a lot and became very muscular. I went to cross country practice that first day and the coach said "Jitterbug (my crazy nickname), you have gained a lot of weight over the summer"! I was devastated. I couldn't believe he said that to me and back then, I never cared about the scale so had no idea if I did. The next day I went to practice and he apologized to me because when he really looked at me running, he could tell that I had built a lot of muscle. This is who I am. I need to embrace the fact that I can become VERY strong and be okay with knowing that underneath the fat, I could kick some serious tail. I need to realize that unless I get a tummy tuck, I will never lose the belly I have from 2 CSections that is just loose skin (YUCK) so I just need to create a very strong core and embrace that the belly gave me two beautiful boys. I know all this. Yet how do I embrace it for real?

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