Think back to high school days for a minute. Remember the girls you used to look at with envy for whatever reason--looks, fashion, smarts, boyfriends, popularity... or whatever it was about them that made you envy them? For those of you who didn't envy anyone, I am now envious of you :D but anyway....For me, that group was the cheerleaders (not all of them, of course, but the general group). I envied them for various reasons. I was a tomboy HUGE so I looked like a boy for years and didn't really care how I dressed. I just wanted to be comfortable so it was whatever was comfy cozy at the time--sweats, tshirts, jeans. I didn't dress to impress, that is for sure. I didn't wear make up or have a decent hair style. When I got to an age where I started to really want to be noticed by boys, I started caring more about appearance, but I was(and still am really), a FASHION DON'T! I was awkward and uncomfortable and it just wasn't easy. So I would see the cheerleaders and was so envious because they were everything I wasn't--confident, stylish, noticeable....There were girls that weren't cheerleaders that I was envious of as well, but as a whole, I really used to focus on them. It probably also had to do with the fact that my sister was a cheerleader and my idol, so I was automatically drawn to that group.
Now fast forward present day and I am a mom of 2 boys. Now I find myself watching other moms and how they look, how they interact with their children and how they handle any behavior issue. I find myself feeling the same as I did back then. Envious that they still look feminine, that they have style, that they don't seem flustered, that they handle their children without getting upset or yelling, and that they just seem so organized. I would love to look like something other than a chicken running around with their head chopped off. I would love to look like a mom who has their act together. Notice I said, LOOK LIKE, because I am sure behind closed doors, these mom's actually are more like me--they just hide it better (at least I pretend that's how they are to make myself feel better). Sometimes I wonder what other people see when they see me with the boys?? Do they wonder why I don't have more control? Do they wonder why I lose or forget so many things? Do they wonder why I even bother going out at all? I know I shouldn't care. I know I shouldn't be envious of anyone because I am blessed with all I have. I know that back in high school, I should have just been who I wanted to be and not cared and I know that now I should just do the best I can and not worry. But, alas, I do care.